Anxiety: my worst enemy and daily companion

Ever since I was a little kid, I felt the urge to become successful in life. I have been trying to discover in a split second where this came from, but it required a deep-dive into my childhood.

Only 8 years old and making new friends again and again…

I changed primary school twice, meaning I had to make new friends, twice (age: 8 and 11 years). To guarantee I would not end up alone in lunch breaks, I ‘had to prove’ how fun and nice I was. I had to adapt to new teachers and teaching methods, I had to keep pace with how fast other kids learned and I had to get comfortable in a new environment, again and again. Changing school twice was not enough; I had to re-do the 7th grade again. Same teacher, same teaching method but again… New friends. These last two years at primary school were difficult, as other kids bullied me and I had to ‘prove’ myself once again by re-doing knowledge tests after my teachers did not believe my initial score. I performed the test not once, but twice while spending a full week alone in a classroom; doing exams. It was the first time I ‘proved authorities’ wrong, but little did I know that there was more to come.

The not-so-typical teenage drama…

Even though the exams of primary school showcased I would be capable of the level I applied for at high school, I had to follow a specific program for two years to show my capabilities. Yet again, I ‘proved them’ wrong.

 My parents divorced during the 3rd year of high school (age: 14). Nevertheless, I passed this year with my best grades ever. I thought I showed, yet again and no matter what, I would be capable of this level. But the bomb hit during the 4rd year. It was the first year in co-parenting and it hit me harder than I ever thought. I had to battle for every paper, every test and every semester exam. By the end of the year, the teachers decided I was not capable and I had to leave school. The possibility of re-doing was not even offered. I had to leave... Without a second change… Without a degree…

¨I will prove all these people wrong, ¨ became my daily motivation.

This was the first time others were able to decide my path… Without my approval… Without my agreement… I was devastated, yet determined to continue and become successful. ¨I will prove all these people wrong, ¨ became my daily motivation and I successfully closed 3 years of secondary education as the top student of my class. After this, I signed up for my bachelor and I felt empowered to continue my path to success.

The highs and the lows…

From the bottom of my heart I dare to say that I had a lot of fun during my bachelor studies (age: 20 till 23). I was not always the best student in terms of grades, but I was in terms of eagerness to learn and grow. Teachers noticed this and they were willing to help me, support me and inspire me throughout the years. It was not easy; my father was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 2 weeks before my graduation. Once starting my bachelor, I was together with somebody for 3 years. He was a great support during the first years together, but once I started to grow, evolve, and explore the possibilities of a master (during my international internship in the 3rd year) he felt the urge to say ¨you should just start working after a bachelor because a Master would be too difficult for you, ¨ among some other things. Guess what? He became part of my list with people ‘ I had to prove wrong.’ I am honest, those words hurt… And they still hurt if I think about the fact that someone who loves you is capable of saying these things (probably because of their own insecurities). However, somewhere I am thankful for this. He tried to convince me I could not, but I could. Because here I am today, with a Master in Marketing.

A little recap…

From childhood to today, I urgently felt the need to prove all people mentioned above wrong. I did not want to be successful; I must be successful. Throughout these years, anxiety was always on the background. Besides, my zodiac sign is Virgo and I am defined as a thinker, perfectionist and goal-getter. Combining these 2 together did not help to chill down, it actually caused quite the opposite. Nevertheless, I always managed to keep anxiety on the background.

My first grown-up job…

After obtaining the Master in Marketing, I was hired pretty quickly as PR Executive in a digital agency (age: 24). Little side note: the first 4 months were as an intern to… You might guess… ‘Prove my worth’ again. Honestly, I never saw myself in an agency but I thought it would be a good environment to gain loads of experience. My plan was to obtain all the knowledge and moved into one brand after a few years.

I knew that that the agency industry was a result-driven environment… A challenging environment, that required 200% commitment; no matter what. Nevertheless, I was (yet again) determined to kick off my career and succeed. I was eager to show my worth, prepared to do whatever it took to learn and ambitious to be part of a growing and innovative agency. My work became my life; I worked non-stop. I learned, I stressed, I cried, I laughed and I succeed. I reached milestones alone, but also with a team of seniors, young professionals and other interns. Even though it took more of myself than I ever imagined I would give to a profession I was prepared to give it, while only thinking about the bigger picture and how my future-self would ‘thank me’. Anxiety was still there, but I always managed to cope with it by gym sessions, meditations or, honestly, a heavy night out.

My anxiety moved slowly, secretly and more and more from the back to the front. I was determined to continue.
After all… I was a go-getter, remember?

March 2020…

Because of COVID, Spain went in full lockdown in March 2020. Initially I did not see the negativity of the situation, as it was always been of my best-case scenarios to work more from home. However, my work took over my home and 24 hours a day, 7 days a week I was confronted with the urge to be active. I was determined to show that, even from a distance and individual, I would be able to add value to the agency and show my worth. My anxiety moved slowly, secretly and more and more from the back to the front. I slowly felt like I was going crazy while being literally locked up in my apartment. Despite these disturbing thoughts, I was determined to continue. After all… I was a go-getter, remember?

During the lockdown the biggest miracle of life happened: I became pregnant of my first child. My partner and I talked many times before about starting our own family, but this miracle appeared a bit sooner than expected. He or she is more than welcome and so far, every day has been a gift to carry this little one. We were one month in full lockdown and my mental health was not in the best place anymore, but I also noticed my colleagues were experiencing the same. So, I decided to continue as usual. Pregnant or not, I would work. And this particular thought became the moment where I officially crossed limit. All I could do was work or deal with my pregnancy (as my first weeks were everything but easy). I lost my willingness to learn, to motivate myself, to inspire myself… I lost my willingness to take care of myself, to work out, to eat healthy and take the rest I deserved… Not only did it impact my personal life, but also my professional life. Hours felt like days, meetings felt like a waste of time and looking at my screen made me more demotivated than ever before… I could not focus… I could not deliver… The number of mistakes increased and every activity on my to-do list gave me more and more anxiety. I reached my first, very successful, results in PR, but all I could think was to close my laptop and go back to sleep.

One week later I ended up in the hospital with higher palpitations than usual in a pregnancy, among other negative side effects. The doctor put me on bed rest for 48 hours and after that, he decided I must stop working for 2 weeks.

I was hoping to feel better after I hit the 12 weeks, but after a good talk with my doctor we came to the conclusion that this was not because of the pregnancy, but also the consequences of a burnout. I was devastated but I also realised that I had to give my mental and physical health the rest it deserved. So, after receiving a recommendation to stop working (fully), I decided to continue with part-time hours. Because, that is giving the rest to yourself you deserve… Right? Fewer hours per week and focus on 1 account only. ¨That must work, ¨ I thought. One week later I ended up in the hospital with higher palpitations than usual in a pregnancy, among other negative side effects. The doctor put me on bed rest for 48 hours and after that, he decided I must stop working for 2 weeks.

Today…

So here I am today (June 26th, 2020)… I am 25 years, I am expecting my first baby and I am having a burnout. Anxiety has become my worst enemy and my daily companion. Every day I feel stressed out, I feel my heart pumping through my chest, I have breathing issues and I am constantly afraid to fail (even though I am not working, but literally lying in bed for a bit more than a week now). Not to mention the physical side effects of the pregnancy that I am not suppose to have.

I started working with an amazing coach on my anxiety and I decided to tell my closest friends what I am dealing with. After my father passed away, I realised that communication is key and how important it is to mention your loved ones how you feel. Little did I know this would become another battle to fight… As sweet and kind my loved ones are, they check in with my on daily basis. But the thing is, just a simple question like ¨how are you,” makes my heart beat faster… Makes me nervous… Makes me scared… Makes me anxious… I feel a pressure to respond and a pressure to act like I am fine. But the truth is I am not fine… Not fine at all… It is my first pregnancy and it should be the most beautiful experience of my life, but all I am doing is fighting my anxiety… I wake up every morning while greeting my little baby bump, I take moments throughout the day to be grateful and I am trying to connect more with my family as I am in the Netherlands right now. But besides these small moments of happiness, I experience a lot of fear… Fear to not be able to overcome this anxiety… Fear to go back to work while not feeling like my best self… Fear to fail during my pregnancy… And fear to fail as a mother…

And I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become me again. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the mother I want to be.

Together with my coach I am working hard on regaining my confidence, to get a peace of mind and to get tools to work with whenever anxiety arises in the future. I still have a long journey to go, but this is my journey. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become me again. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the mother I want to be.

Love,

Evy.