It had to be a relaxing weekend. But it was not.

So many things go through my mind. I try to relax as much as possible but I simply can’t. But, the moment I am planning on doing something I feel rushed. And, the moment I do something and it does not go the way I expected I get anxious.

I understood from my coach that my root chakra is out of balance and I have to start working on it. But to be honest? I feel like I’m going crazy.

Friday

On Friday I had a session with my coach. I felt so rushed because I could not make the agreed time. She was later as well, but the feeling did not leave until we were connected. After that I met up with a friend. It supposed to be a very relaxing afternoon. We decided to go to a garden in the city, where it would be very quiet and peaceful. But, so many things went wrong even before arriving… From driving into the wrong directions, not being able to move forward or find a parking spot. I was overloaded with anxiety. My friend was laughing so much, and I could truly appreciate the fact that she was amusing herself but me…  I laughed along like a peasant with a toothache.

At that moment I was done with everything and I wanted to go home. I just wanted to be home.

The first minutes after we started walking I had to breath so conscious and so deep before I felt connected to the present again and was able to listen to her. Just to be clear… This all happened within myself, I would not even think about saying to her how I was feeling. After a little while we took a break and went to sit on a bench. A group of guys came and once again… I was overloaded with anxiety. But, I did I managed it very good. There was even one guy who came to us for a chat, but I asked if he could leave us alone. He respected this and left. A few moments later another group of guys came and then I told my friend I wanted to go. At that moment I was done with everything and I wanted to go home. I just wanted to be home. We relaxed one hour while drinking some water and massaging our own feet. After that, we went to eat something small just around my corner and I truly loved it. We were just close to my home, safe, and not too crazy. We ended up laughing so much that everybody was looking at us, I had the time of my life. And that is why I love this friend so much… I can literally do everything with her. And in moments like this… That is the only thing I need.

Saturday

On Saturday my partner and I scheduled a date night. I rested all day to guarantee I would have energy in the evening. I dressed up beautiful, in a colourful summer dress I honestly think that was one of the few times I felt the most beautiful during my pregnancy. We had such a relaxing evening together. We went to the rooftop of a luxury hotel and talked all night long. We decided to walk home, but Lenin walks very fast. I had troubles keeping up with him and I started to feel rushed again. The fact that it was so quiet on the street, which is not normal for summers in Barcelona, made me feel anxious as well. We passed the street and Lenin wanted to help me, but I stumbled. At that moment the evening was done for me. I was overloaded with anxiety. I did not say a thing to my partner, but all of the sudden it was not so difficult to keep up with him… And god… I was so happy to be home.

Not only my body is saying no to me, but my mind as well. All I could do, and wanted, was sleep.

Sunday

I am very sad about the fact that I rested all Saturday, just to be out of the house for a few hours with Lenin, and still… On Sunday I was completely done. Not only my body is saying no to me, but my mind as well. All I could do, and wanted, was sleep. It truly felt like a setback. I know that I have to give in and accept, but all I feel is disappointed and sadness. Lenin took me to the spa in the evening and that truly helped: I felt energized. I decided to make a schedule for the upcoming week and I was so excited about it. I was truly excited for a new week…

As I am writing this it is Monday, 17th August 2020, only 1:30PM and I am already exhausted…

Monday

Monday morning, 7AM, I wake up overloaded with anxiety and that rushed feeling. That rushed feeling… When will it be gone? I dreamed all night that I had to catch a plane, but I was too late. I was in the house where I grew up and my brother came telling me the entire time that I had to rush. The dream repeated itself three times… To be honest? I was not feeling ready for the day and I went back to sleep, something I was very happy about.

As I am writing this it is Monday, 17th August 2020, only 1:30PM and I am already exhausted… I tried to organize a few things, but I simply can’t… Nobody answers the phone or it is online on one of those strange Spanish website… It is literally out of my control, and that… That is what I have to accept.

The funny thing is that my coach just texted me. Like she feels it. I am so happy with her, so grateful to have her by my side.

Just let everything go Evy. You can do it. You have to breath. You have to slow down. Not for one or two days, but for the long term… Let go, let go, let go, let go…

Everything will be fine. Just have faith.

Love,

Evy.

Ps. In the podcast I end the story with my learnings moving forward to 2022. Curious to the learnings? Click here to listen to the episode.