This is not just anything special. This is life.

Happy Friday!

It has been a while since I uploaded a blog, created a podcast or shared any other type of long form content. And let me tell you why…

Doing what you are not meant to do

I started 2022 with the intention to turn CNNCT into a business. I wanted to turn my passion into profit, but I also felt an incredible urge to make more money. Somewhere throughout the past years I created this belief that if I want to live the life I want to live, I need to earn a lot of money. Besides that, we moved to the Netherlands and I quickly realised that the city we are now wouldn’t give me what I ‘thought’ I needed. And having a lot of money felt like ‘a way out’. So I tried a lot of things…

I didn’t take the step towards action. And you know why? Because all of the above was not meant to be for me.

I started the podcast to increase brand awareness, I started reading from my dad’s book with the intention to resell it, I jumped on calls to join Young Living Business, I set up everything for a dropshipping store, I wanted to collaborate with one of my dearest friends and there are many more attempts. I tried a lot of things throughout the year, but to be honest? I felt exhausted. And? Nothing increased the amount of money I had in my bank account. Because I didn’t take the step towards action. And you know why? Because all of the above was not meant to be for me. All of the above was not my truth. My essence. My passion. But writing is. It has always been. I have been writing ever since I was a little girl (I will share more about this another time). Throughout writing I was able to express myself. But it took me, to be precisely, 8 months to discover that it are only my past and my passion that are here to make a difference in not only my life, but also in the life of others: through therapeutic writing.

VS. Doing what you are meant to do

After a push from my coach I finally dared to do something that I wanted to do ever since I launched The Model Of CNNCT: host a free writing challenge. And wauw… This opened the doors for me. I cannot thank the people enough who joined my very first challenge. Every day I woke up excited. Every day I felt that I was doing what I am meant to do. I cried several times from happiness. I watched the sun going down from my balcony not thinking about anything else. And all of the sudden… The place where I was? Was not that bad. The challenges with my partner? That would be just a phase. The disconnection between my family and me? That would stop. It was the realisation that if I would just focus on me and my passion, the rest would follow. And of course, it happened: for some reason I literally dared to let go during a get-away, I received coaching sessions for free, I was invited for a lunch at a beach club, the relationship with my family improved, I dared to take a leap of faith and pay for a new coaching program and I received an incredible amount of money from the government.

I was meant to go through 8 months of not knowing what to do.

I know: it sounds like a dream if I share this. I realise this as I am writing it down. But this is no dream. This is no luck (as my sister in law would say). This is meant to be. I was meant to go through 8 months of not knowing what to do. Exploring different types of a second income. Doubting the place where I am. Facing challenges in my relationship. Taking a step back from my family. Being jealous of the people who were sharing their fabulous life (and business) on their Instagram. And yes, I know Instagram is just a fraction of someone’s life but I can’t deny that if I am feeling a bit off, this platform is not the best place to be.

The whole essence of selflove

But here I am… It is 10:26 in the morning and I just came back from my first holiday in more than five years. I never allowed myself to take a long holiday off. Because why? I used to live in Barcelona, surrounded by the sun and the sea, and now I am only working for a company three days a week. “Who am I to take a holiday,” were thoughts running through my mind. But to be honest? Who am I to deny myself from a well-deserved holiday? As a mum, an employee, a partner, an entrepreneur… Just as me… I deserve a holiday multiple times a year, and that is what I am going to work towards to.

I faced my demons. I embraced my past. I talked about my childhood. I discovered why I cannot trust. I realised why I do not feel safe.

There is so much more to say, so much more to type, but I do not know where to start. Simply because the past nine months have been one of the most life changing months of my life. I danced from excitement. I cried while sitting on the floor, not being able to stand up. I forced myself to get out of bed in the morning. I forced myself to put my phone away. I scrolled endless hours to forget and ignore. I dedicated days to write. I spent hours dancing in the club when my partner and I finally could. I dressed up like a business woman. I walked around like I just came out of bed. I opened up at my work about personal challenges. I cried at my work several times. I received unconditional love from my friends. I learned that I have to create my own village that helps me to raise Ilay. I finally let go during a getaway and vacation. I stressed when I was in Barcelona again. I closed down my WhatsApp to recharge. I started to put limits in relationships. I was awake endless nights with little Ilay. I slept more than 8 hours when I finally could. I travelled alone for the first time in 2,5 year. I faced my demons. I embraced my past. I talked about my childhood. I discovered why I cannot trust. I realised why I do not feel safe. I learned to love, laugh, smile and be happy even on days that I did not feel like loving, laughing, dancing, smiling or being happy.

This is not just anything special. This is life. And the moment we realise this… That moment of daring to open up for the highs and the lows, good and the bad, right or wrong? Is the moment we grow. And that my love? Is the whole essence of selflove. And nothing else.

Love,

Evy.